I have always laughed or thought how silly one is to put themselves out for all to see their goodness, struggles, insecurities, happiness, lies, truths, and whatever descriptive words which life entrusts in each; however, I have had some life awakenings these past weeks. True friends want to know the real you... not the person which puts on a front that everything is perfect all the time but the person that is willing to talk freely and admit all characteristics which I mentioned above. The individuals which love you the most are the ones which already know the challenges you are experiencing; they are simply standing by waiting for you to realize your potential and happiness that you bring into the relationship.
You see I haven't been this person which I mentioned above. I have been the individual with whom makes believe that everything is okay, that everything is a bed of roses, and everything is just grand. I thought that I would be looked upon negatively and my perception of what people thought of me was more important than how I was treating myself and those who love me the most. This was a lie to myself and unhealthy. I was self destructing and was riding a wrecking ball attempting still to command all around me when I was out of control. I didn't realize until now that I had to leap off that ball and take a difficult and lonely fall to help myself for I'm the only individual that could do it. There was no one else under heaven that could have helped me except God himself and he lightened the fall but let me tell you it still hurt.
So what am I learning... well I'm the reason for my happiness. Not my wife, kids, friends, dog (Jill), work, company, hobbies, nor hunting are responsible for my being happy. I needed to find myself and realize that the individuals above were the exact people I was counting on to make me happy yet to my surprise I was destroying my marriage, friendship, and kids because it was absolutely impossible for me to receive that love when love wasn't being expressed out of me. I've never been able to really listen well to anyone except if it was for my gain; however the other day a great friend relayed this example to me which for the first time in my life I felt like I hit a grand slam on my first at bat understanding the story. It went something like this...in a friendship, marriage, or partnership, each person is responsible for bring 100% of themselves to the table. It can't be 50-50 or 25-75 but everyone has to bring their all. Friendships survive because the individuals sharing the bond are expressing their love for one another with support in many situations. Its OKAY for friends not to be around all the time or talk everyday but when they are together the best comes out of both of them for their true colors are revealed and the bonds are created with indestructible metal along with reinforcement. This is what a marriage, friendship, and/or partnership is suppose to be like and all energy should be focused with persistence to achieving this happiness.
Now, I'm not even beginning to say that I'm cured or that I don't struggle with it everyday but what I do say is that when one can acknowledge what they were doing wrong then the ability to change makes it that much doable. For example, someone close to me recommended "The Anatomy of Peace" by Arbinger Institute several months ago. I believed that there was nothing which I needed to fix or anything I needed to learn therefore I pushed it off and one night when everything in my life collapsed that book became my best friend. I listened to it in the car, brushing my teeth, making phone calls, and every passing moment eagerly awaiting the next important lesson I needed to learn and implement into my life. It was a game changer for sure. It talks about "Heart of War" vs "Heart of Peace" and in life we focus on "everything going wrong" vs "everything goin right". This was me to the tee; I mean I had never read a book that every word, sentence, phrase, was directed towards a person that inside was disappointed in all aspects of his life. It was miserable and I was searching to change BUT not superficial; I had done that to many times before and it got me no where. I wanted to change for myself not caring what any soul thought about me. I had to make some difficult phone calls and visits to those that love me the most to express and relate the true story under the umbrella which I was living. I had to tell the truth and guess what the ones which I told stilled loved me and cared for me exactly like they did before they knew they truth. They were the same ones calling me and texting me hoping that I was okay and that I was getting my life back in order so that I could make the successful transition to where my heart desired. Oh and the ones that talk and need to use my name as a conversation with their friends are still in the back exactly where they have always been. In other words, I'm doing this for me and only me for in the end it's on me to make the change and be the person I desire to become.
So my friends, the concourse still continues minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day to make the appropriate changes in truly loving oneself and allowing that love to be felt by those with whom you serve everyday.
